"Hello boss? Yeah I have to call in sick today."

I have solid evidence that if I went to work today it would make me sick.

I have information that something dreadful might happen at work today. I don't know what exactly because it is hard to prove an unknown, but I do have solid evidence that something may or may not happen today that would jeopardize my health.

It's difficult to explain, but I feel the threat has substantially increased in the last couple of weeks. It could be from the growing threat that I may catch a cold or come down with influenza. I am checking with security personnel to make sure that nobody sick or thinking about being sick enters my building today or for the remainder of the week.

SICK people, very sick people could sneeze, cough, or just plain be SICK in the same room as me. That would suck. I am having the ductwork for my entire apartment complex cleaned out, sterilized, completely made innocuous and I suggest you do the same to the office. We have to make sure there have been no breaches of our defense that may compromise our position of health. We have to be more ready, be more prepared, to deter sick people from coming into contact with us. I am installing duct tape and plastic in my sterilized safe room as we speak.

I apologize for not being able to show for work, I know that it is the biggest day of the year and you really need me. It's just sometimes I get general information and sometimes I get specific information, but none of the specific information talks about time, place or methods or means by which I may get sick; I just know in general when I might get sick. I don't get the specificity that I would like to have in order to prepare but I have to be prepared none the less. I receive my information and my warnings on the accumulation of credible corroborated sources, none of which are connected to military involvement with Iraq. Thank you for understanding and I may see you tomorrow, if the influenza alert goes off.