Andy Rooney speaks:

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a tread mill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with the check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.

On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff). Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes:
My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... Why they're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (In to Phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say I'm not in the mood.

On Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep. Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love

Andy Rooney

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