The Top 25 Ways to Know if you Are a Republican

posted 12.12.03

1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for your "recovery."

2) You believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3) You believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

4) You believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the "wrong" gender.

5) You believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a profit.

6) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

7) You believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

8) You believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS patients, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

9) You hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

10) You believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits at home.

11) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.

12) You believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

13) You believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

14) You believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMOs and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

15) You believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.

16) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science," but Creationism should be taught in schools.

17) You believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

18) You believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" election diversion.

21) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.

20) You believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter."

21) You believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

22) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have and which he will revoke personally.

23) You believe that what Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is "stale news" and "irrelevant."

24) You believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.

25) You believe there is absolutely no coincidence between Deep South voting Republican in every election sine 1964 (except for Jimmy Carter in 1976) and the passage of the Civil Rights Act in 1964.